it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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