i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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