I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
