I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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