Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
