I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
