I love black thongs
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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