Even the bartender felt bad for me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
