I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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