Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
