I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
