I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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