i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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