well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
