I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
