The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
