Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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