just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i believe in u and ur pee
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
