How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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