If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
