Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
