first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
