today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
