you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
