he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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