We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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