dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hippo gnu deer
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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