No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
