Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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