I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
