if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
