I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
