dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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