dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
