I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A+ Viking dick
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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