i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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