Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
