I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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