he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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