i permit you to call me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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