So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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