I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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