Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
