I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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