I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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