I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
