I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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