We named our party play list daddy issues
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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