dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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