you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
