Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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