are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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