she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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